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Vox-mark vox-mark vox-mark vox-mark vox-mark Start with the basic poutine — nice, squeaky cheese curds over fries, drizzled in gravy. Then, because this is America, douse it in bacon cheeseburger bits. Add some nice peppercorn seasoning, to give everything a smoky kick. And, finally, just a dab of chili. Hit it with a shot of malt vinegar, and you’re in business.

So, you ask, how was it? Well, it was excellent. Just the thing you want to have waiting for you when you exit a movie that’s, conservatively speaking, longer than the history of the universe. Oh, you meant how was the movie? It was okay, I guess!

Second best Pirates of the Caribbean movie! With a bullet! (For the record, that’s not really a compliment.) Dead Men Tell No Tales is pointlessly busy and exhausting There are plenty of good things in. Directors and (who were behind the very good Norwegian film ), along with cinematographer, come up with some pretty shots of gorgeous locations scattered around the world. At least one early action sequence made me giggle with delight at its Rube Goldberg logic.

And, who plays new villain and ghost pirate Salazar, apparently ate several whole hams before shooting. But those good things are mostly stranded in a desert of meaningless subplots and B-stories. For whatever reason, the response to the lightning-bolt success of the back in 2003 (a legitimately fun film that felt like nothing else at the time) was to pile on a bunch of characters and a bunch of backstory. And over the three films between that one and this one, those characters and backstory kept piling up — to the point where this film keeps cutting away to Captain Barbossa (the first film’s villain, the second film’s plot twist, the third film’s unwilling ally, etc., etc.) seemingly because Rush heard a Pirates movie was filming, showed up on set, and couldn’t be turned away. Javier Bardem is here as a villainous ghost pirate. Long may he reign!

Disney The smartest thing I’ve ever heard about the series was from a friend, who was trying to defend, the very first sequel from 2006, after I found it not just disappointing but actively irritating. That film was, he said, a series of Looney Tunes shorts about the character Jack Sparrow, as though he were Bugs Bunny transplanted into our reality, made to look like, but subjected to the same old slapstick shit. The movie didn’t have a plot because it didn’t need one — it was an excuse to see Depp run around and do goofy things.

And Dead Men Tell No Tales is probably the closest the series has come since that film to recapturing that aesthetic. (Film three, 2007’s, was pointlessly lugubrious and self-impressed; 2011’s was a listless bore.) Just when things seem like they’re flagging, it will rally for another rambunctious action sequence, and it’s fun to see, say, Jack Sparrow in a guillotine that almost keeps chopping his head off but never quite does. This might be fine if Dead Men Tell No Tales were content to simply be a collection of setpieces, each bigger than the last. That describes, say,, and that movie’s action sequences are a whole lot of fun. But Dead Men Tell No Tales tries to serve far too many masters with its story. It wants to introduce new characters to carry the series forward should Depp decide he never wants to make another Pirates movie. (Despite Disney occasionally marketing this as a “final” adventure, there’s lots of places for the story to go at credits’ end.) It wants to tie up various plot threads from the earlier movies that you probably didn’t realize were supposed to be plot threads.